Cancer Changed Our Life
He was so angry with me. He was yelling at me telling me I was so selfish. I didn’t care about him because I wanted to die. It took my grandson’s fear and emotions to make me realize there was a future not only for me but also for my family.
I started having my chemotherapy and Aidan was with me all through it. After my second chemo my hair started to fall out. I had no eyebrows, it was so upsetting. I had heard of this happening to people but never realised how traumatic it could until it happened to me.
Through my cancer someone special came into my life. ‘Robbie’. He was my rock. As my hair was falling out all over the place such as on to my pillow when I awoke. In the shower, on cushions, Every where.
Robbie suggested having it cut off so that I was in control of the cancer rather than the cancer in control of me. It was awful for me as well as my hairdresser and we were both in tears. I couldn’t stop crying but Robbie was there telling me I looked beautiful. He made me laugh and was there to give me a cuddle when I needed it. A cuddle went a long way. He saw me with no hair, sore mouth and very tired most of the time but he made me feel beautiful. He was my rock. I don’t know how I would have got on without him.There are different types of love, the kind your family can give you, the kind your friends have with you. Also, a parents love, but they cannot beat the intimate love from a partner. I don,t think I would have got through this without the support of friends, family and especially Robbie.
My grandson Aidan tried to make me laugh when my wig was delivered. I was horrified when I saw it. Aidan put it on and made me laugh. My precious grandson. I found it very difficult when people who used to stop for a chat crossed the road to avoid me. I was not contagious I only had cancer.That really upset me. I suppose they were embarrassed and did not know what to say. Why are people like that? Did I do the same thing?
When I was having my chemotherapy there were five or six ladies having theirs also. We would have a good laugh about our symptoms and changes to our body. We used to see whose hair was growing in first, the money saved in not going to hairdressers and best of all not having to shave our legs. It’s funny the small things we take for granted. It was quite light hearted and we all felt normal. Amazingly I got used to it. The ones I thought would understand more, my children, would not discuss it with me. I found that really hard as I didn’t know what was going on in their head. It was the Macmillan nurse who helped them.
The best feeling I had through all this was going the hairdressers for the first time. I was so excited, it was something I took for granted and it felt so good. I went to see my daughter after I had my hair done and she said “it was good to have my Mum back”
Having cancer has made me reflect on my past, my children, where I am going now and it makes me more aware of the simplest of things. It has changed my outlook on life, the way I treat people and the zest for life. It also makes me think of death, leaving my family and friends. I am not afraid of dying now. You think of the life you waste on every day worries and you put things into perspective.
It just takes a minute cell of cancer to change every thing around you. Sometimes it is so easy to give up but there is always somebody else worse off than yourself. The courage of young children going through chemotherapy and radiotherapy as if it is nothing. They feel sick, lose their hair, have sore mouths and feel tired but they never give up and always have a smile. It makes you sit up and look around to do things with more respect for everything and every one who is close to you or not.
Now that my treatment is over I still get really tired. I look in the mirror and my hair has grown back, I have eyebrows again. People think I am better but the tiredness stays with me which I find as difficult as the chemotherapy.
Will I ever be ‘normal’ again?